My place in the circle

I’m not really sure where my beginning place is. I don’t read any of the descriptions and say OH WOW THAT’S ME! I think I fit into all of them at different times. I think almost everyone as a child is the south, trusting and innocent; I have my moments where I just want absolute silence to think profound thoughts. I want to think about why I am here, what it all means, and sometimes cry from the sheer beauty and magnificence of the world. However, after a serious of rather bad events, I am in the East. I see, and I know, but I do not feel. I know when I should feel, but I have detached myself from these burdens. I think my strengths are compassion and empathy. I have been through many different things and am mediocre at many things; therefore I can identify with many different people and understand better where they are coming from.  I am gifted with critical thinking and deep thoughts. I think I just need to find the place where I can stand on the edge between all of them and not teeter from side to side like I do right now. 

My journey stated a little differently from everyone else’s. I wasn’t in class the day this was assigned. At first, I was a bit mortified to be honest. I have to go up and talk to teachers?? What if I’m wrong? What if they don’t have anything? Will they think I’m weird for asking?? I struggled with this for a few days because I was honestly too embarrassed. I tried to play it off because “it was a weird assignment” or “this is such a haffley thing” but I eventually came to the realization that I was not willing to be that brave. I wasn’t willing to trust that they wouldn’t mock me. I wasn’t willing to ask for help. And then I started looking at my life in general and I realize that I tend to always hate asking for help. Anytime someone corrects me on anything I take it that I am inadequate and get upset.  I realized how important it was for me to do this medicine bag thing and do it right. 

I started by reading through all the clues and trying to guess where I thought each one was. I found out that there were about 4 that I wasn’t sure on. Unfortunately, upon reflecting on what I needed more of in my life, those were four of the five I needed. –Sigh- story of my life. So… I started thinking. I have been in a very low point in my life the past few months and so decided I could use some joy. I wanted strength to keep fighting and not surrender to the darker thoughts of my mind. I wanted Faith to trust that God will get me through this and faith that he exists. I wanted patience to wait for good things and to wait for him to explain his plans. I wanted insight to see why things happen. I wanted integrity to keep me telling the truth which is something that I have been failing at recently. I wanted humility to be a servant to others and to realize that I have to follow god’s plan… not my own. I realized I have so much about myself that I want to change. I realized that I feel very inadequate most of the time and that insecurity is perhaps what makes many of these things impossible. I don’t trust well because I don’t see myself as someone who is worth being responsible to.  I realized that while these people could give me objects that outwardly represented these characteristics, these were all things that were already inside of me that I simply had to discover.    

I thought it was really interesting the locations of some of the talismans. At first I thought they were just random, but I think some of them did have a meaning. For example, joy being in the community service office. So many times in our lives we think joy will come from having the most and serving ourselves and yet so often it is the opposite. That in serving others and giving ourselves to them we find the most joy.  

I really enjoyed this scavenger hunt. I think I have come to a better understanding of the work I have ahead of me and how my past has influenced me. I think I have become less embarrassed to ask for help and realized that we cannot face this journey alone. We are not meant to have too.

i saw this on Failblog.org and i just thought it would evoke a few laughs… enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCJ3Oz5JVKs 

ok so i know everyone (myself included) is FREAKING OUT because of this position paper and various other things as well. I know that attempting to do the musical and my research powerpoint and a summary for genoicde and holocaust and just EVERYTHIng so.. i decided to take a few minutes.. grab a drink, a breath of air, and listen to some relaxing music while picturing myself ona nice sunny beach keep fighting in there!! every little things gonna be alright!  

yes another story from “the pig who wants to be eaten”

 The problem of evil

And the lord spake unto the philosopher “i am the lord they god. all loving, all powerful, and all knowing”

“surely not” replied the philosopher. “i look at this world and i see horrible disease, hunger, starvation, mental illness. Yet you don’t stop it. Is it that you can’t? in which case, you are not  all powerful. Is it because you don’t know about it? in which case you are not all knowing. Or perhaps you don’t want to? in which case you are not all loving.” 

“such impudence” replied the lord. “it is better for you if I don’t sotp all this evil. You need to grow morally and spiritually. For that you need the freedom to do evil as well as good and to confront the chance of occurance of suffering. how could i possibly have made the world better without taking away your freedom to grow?” 

“easy” replied the philosopher. “first, you  could have designed us so that we felt less pain. Second, you could have made sure we had more empathy, to prevent us doing evil to others. Third, you could have made us better learners, so we didn’t have to suffer so much to grow. Fourth you could have made nature less cruel. do you want me to go on?”

so.. i thought this story was really interesting. I’m in genocide and holocaust the class rt now, so i’ve been doing alot of questioning on why there is so much suffereing. I have at one point or another shared many sentiments with the philosopher, however i disagree on a few. i would point out that preventing us from feeling as much pain would do no good because it would still be the xtreeme. if you don’t know true pain, you don’t realize how lucky you are with the little you have. fourth, i would say nature is not cruel. one of the main causes of pain is because we try to fight nature and try to stop her from following her course. if we weren’t so damn stubborn we would suffer alot less. we continue to build cities in places that are obviously dangerous and then complain when something bad happens. We yell at god for taking one of our loved ones in death and yet they are only following the natural order and it is us who causes ourselves to suffer because we cannot accept that.

I may be an angel

And angle of insanity

You see a mask

Of who I wish I could be

Constantly in disguise

Don’t be fooled by my lies

You see this glint this gleam in my eye

It’s the only crack, the only hole in my lie

Maybe I’m just a demon

Wrapped freshly in angel skin

Come here to torture you

Haunt with memories of what might have been

Why do you stay around?

You know this can never be

Because you are an angel, I am the same, but of insanity

You stuck your hand

Through my chest right where my heart should be

  Reached deep inside

Then twisted till it was free

You walked away tossing it up and catching it lightly in your hand

Another mission accomplished just as you planned.

There is a boat in the middle of the ocean, which is sinking. In this boat is your mother, your father, your child, and your husband/wife. If the boat sinks, everyone in the boat will die. If you could only save one, whom would you save? Who would you save second? Third? Last? Why?

I guess my answer to this is, my child. however, i make this decision based on age only. therefore, if there was  a random child in the boat with my parents and my spouse, i woudl still choose the child. it gets harder after that. i know my mother would not want to be the second one saved. she woudl want everyone else to be saved first. however, thats hard becuase i love my mom and i wouldn’t want her to die. i guess i would choose my spouse next, because they will have had the next shortest time to live. between my parents, i have no idea. i would probobly choose my mom because thats wat my dad would want and because he is a much better swimmer and would last longer.  

i guess where i differ from other people on this point, is that if my death could save an additional person, i would gladly sacrifice myself for that end.

a girl stands defiantly 
under the judgment of only the moon  
the silence of the darkness
empowers her and her hair flies 
around her face in a tantrum.
her fierce eyes are turned towards God
she demands to know
 

the freezing wind whips around her
making her clothes lash her skin  

her tears are frozen on her face,  

their time passed

now hate and anger consume her heart  

despite the tempest that rages around her 

she stands strong and self-righteous  
she seems to be in the eye of the storm,
feeling nothing.
She shakes her fist at God  

and with a burning heart forces Him to show her why
why did He leave her alone
why did He abandon her
when she needed him most
He wasn’t there.

 
she stands transfixed
staring at something the rest of the world cannot see
slowly her posture changes

her eyes stare at something in the distance  

until comprehension and horror dawn 

her heart melts 

her tears flow freely

and she is on the ground 
all defiance drained from her body
mascara trails run down her face

and even her willful hair
has submitted
as she slowly gets up
and wanders back down the hill
the world marvels at the change in her
if only they would look closer
they would notice 

forever now imprinted in her mind

the reflection of 

a crucifix

Whether we want to or not

No matter who we are

Whether you’re down in the dirt

Or way up in the sky far

We’re all headed down

This roller coaster track  

There’s no stopping it and no going back

It’s about to hit the end

Who knows what’ll happen then

Maybe we’ll glide in flying on angel’s wings 

Maybe we’ll end up crashing, dying among burning things   

But we sure as hell can’t stop it 

Can’t make this reality disappear

So chug down your alcohol and snort up your fear  

Scream and yell for as long as you got

Keep on yellin till this track comes to a stop 

But for now just ride Just enjoy the ride 

Life hurrying between skyscrapers

Shadows blockin out the sun

Working all your life

There’s no time for fun

 Keep hoping that if we work long and hard enough 

That if we earn enough money, have enough stuff,

That we get to that next promotion

We can settle down and just ride waves on the ocean

But we never get to that point

Because there’s always something that comes next, something after

Everytime we think we caught it, it just keeps moving faster  

But we sure as hell can’t stop it

Can’t make this reality disappear

So chug down your alchohol and snort up your fear

Break free from the shadows, sing to the sun

Stop chasing ghosts, your life’s begun

Keep on living till this life comes to an end

Just enjoy the ride, just enjoy the ride